Just something I wrote this last summer.
Inspired by: http://www.letterstomy25yearoldself.com/
TL;DR my internship is wrapping up and it’s ten till eight in the comp. bio lab and I just wrestled compiler errors for a half hour. Sometimes the technical stuff makes you forget about yourself. So ima go ahead and write a couple of letters to myselves- aged fifteen and twenty-five.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
To Vivian, aged twenty-five:
If everything goes as planned, it’s your last year of med school. But if I’ve done things right, it’s so much more than that.
Right now, I’m pretty scared of letting you down. In fact, it’s something I worry about too often, which sometimes makes me want to do nothing at all. Yet everything I do is for you.
Every step I take brings me closer to you. Every move I make shapes and forms you from the ether of the future. That sounds romantic, but to be honest, I never thought that much of you. I assumed you’d be someone ordinary, maybe even a little boring. I pictured you as maybe having put on a little weight thanks to med school and going to the bar all the time. I assume you’ve passed the Boards, but without much distinction. You’re probably looking at a residency somewhere okay, and you never go anywhere or do anything and have trouble with interpersonal relationships.
Okay, harsh, I know. But if I do nothing, then that’s who you are. I don’t know if I trust myself to do better for you. I don’t know if I can give you what you deserve. I’ve never tried reinventing myself before.
I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep. But here’s what I want you to be: first and foremost, I want you to be somewhere the well-worn path didn’t take you. I want you to have prised from the world all that it did not give to you. I want you to be someone with the power to choose. I’m on the defensive, but I want you used to being on the offensive.
You probably realize this all sounds very vague. So many grand notions. So many meaningless proclamations. I actually have no conception whatsoever of who you truly are. Did you finally learn to play the guitar? Did you found a nonprofit organization? Did you make a killing in the stock market? What’s important to you? What and whom do you love, if anything?
Or do you just drift from one dazzling fantasy to the next, like me? Do your personal relationships come and go organically, like mine? Do you take everything with a a grain of salt, but really with a whole handful of salt, all cynical and apathetic, so that you’re wallowing in saline half-notions day in and day out, satisfied you will never be had?
For your sake, I’m willing to be a little less judgmental and cynical. I’m willing to go places and earn my place in the world, even if it means jumping through hoops sometimes. I’m willing to make, with adequate reason, sacrifices. I will forego some of the things I want in this very moment, to the things we have always wanted: to travel the world. To be happy and comfortable in my own body. To be truly in love. To take on both power and responsibility
Today... 